To be honest!

This post will be completely different from my typical family updates!

Lets be honest, I was not looking forward to this birthday at all! I told the boys I was skipping it, I didn't want to do anything, ugh. The boys were not going to let that happen so I just figured I would go with it even though this is what I truly thought...seemed about right with the boys heading off to school. 

Some people read my blog and see I just post all the fun stuff we do. I do this because we print the blog and use it as a yearbook,  I don't use this blog to write the struggles and hard times. I figure I  turned 40 so why not open up.
Being a mom is hard, being a mom to 5 has truly been a test. I love my kids, I love my husband, I truly am thankful but sometimes it is just tough! It is hard when you have to open your calendar and just find time to celebrate your birthday because the kids have soccer tournaments the weekend before and a guys getaway (for soccer) the weekend after. Between that we have high school soccer camp, back to school shopping, open house, speech therapy..... With this year being the BIG birthday I told Eric I really wanted a week away with no soccer. He made that happen with an early trip down to Florida. We came back and he was off again with the boys for another trip to the beach while I stayed behind with the twins and waited for C to come back from his camp. Spending 2 days alone with the twins was tough. They were great, we did a lot of fun things it is just very quiet when you don't have anyone around to talk with. Without people around I have way too much time to think! Seriously thinking is the worst enemy!
*I think about how I am a 40 year old mom to two year olds! A mom to a 15 year old, ok but toddlers at this stage wow.
*I think about how long it has been since I had a GNO and how much I miss having girl time.  I really need to get out more then just seeing the girls at the soccer field!
*I think about how much I miss my church family and how I really hope to get into a bible study this fall.
*I think about how I really need to schedule a date with Eric. We are really good with having weekly dates when all the boys are in school but when summer hits our schedule is out the window.
*I think about how I am going to have to wash sandy beach clothes one more time and then get the boys ready to leave for another trip.
*I think about how we had committed to making more time for friends this year and how it started out really well but the past  month we have let the boys schedule take over.
*I think about how I would really like my kitchen floor to be changed over to hardwoods and new appliances then I write checks for each of the boys fall soccer and think maybe next year.
*I think about how I am going to have to pay for a year of preschool and college at the same time!

*I think about how I go on Facebook and on other blogs and see what these moms are doing and think wow that would be nice---a weekend away with the girls, a big 40th blowout, a trip with my husband,.... Then I feel guilty that we do the same. We post all the good and rarely the hard days. I put all these sweet pictures of how I was spoiled on my birthday and not that I had been really down about turning 40. How my husband went out of his way to make my day so special and to give me a break because I have been so worn out with the twins. Those sweet little ones who really wanted me to celebrate my last day of 39 by getting up at 4:30 then spent 2 hours trying to push each other off the bed or my lap because they wanted mommy all to themselves and Eric was away at the beach so I had no one to pass a baby off to. Instead we all just sat on the bed and cried. I could not make anyone happy!

So this post may be all over the place, I do have twins who keep climbing into my lap to shove cheerios in my mouth. I stop to change a diaper, pack a lunch, close the computer so I can spend time with the boys before they head off to school, then come back again to try to figure out what I am typing. I guess this stems from a mom telling me the other day my life was too perfect. I just looked at her, I would think most people would know everyone has their struggles even if we don't put it out there everyday for some one to read. My struggle right now is being pulled in so many different directions with 5 kids. Trying to balance my everyday life to fulfill everyone needs while not neglecting myself.

So coming back around to 40, I have accepted it. I had an incredible 1st day as a 40 year old and am looking forward to what this new chapter in my life brings! I know there will be new struggles that are going to come (letting my oldest go off to college) and a crazier schedule when the twins start getting into activities but today I am going to stop to color with chalk, lay in the grass and look at the clouds. Maybe even take a nap when the twins do! Today I am going to spend extra time in my new devotional book while having another cup of coffee. Today I am going to accept getting older and enjoy being in the 40's club! Today I am going to admit I don't have it all together, who does!

Today I am going to enjoy my 40th birthday pictures the boys and I found.....
http://bratager7.blogspot.com/2014/07/40-memories.html

Tomorrow I will post about the special day my boys (and twins) gave me with all the pictures they took. They were so sweet to put so much into making my day perfect!  The first thing they asked was if I was going to put my special day in our family book. Yes boys, mommy will make time to put her special day in the book too--You all made it the best 40th birthday! I love you!